All things on earth age at the same rate, it’s just that time has more traction on some objects than others, so the signs of ageing differ. On a sliding scale, we’re somewhere between Arthur’s Seat and broccoli, a little to the right of David Attenborough. Having recently become elderly myself, I pondered the impacts of advancing years, the pros – eligibility for the Thursday Club for one – and cons, challenging a few misconceptions. Here’s what I concluded (with a large pinch of salt).

Senior citizens may struggle with stairs and inclines so, logically, one might expect the elderly to accumulate along valleys and on coastal plains. It’s true that if a ‘sprightly’ nonagenarian appears at high altitude, on a parachute jump or alpine summit, then it’s immediately newsworthy. Old people enjoy the flatness of the seaside or riverbank, but so does everyone else, children especially. I am however resigned to the fact that one day I’ll make it down the hill to the prom, only to realise that I’ll need airlifting back to the house.

Longsightedness means that I can read the number of the bus from a mile away but by the time it has reached our stop, and entered the blurry zone, I’ve forgotten what it is. I do remember to say ‘Thar she blows!’ every single time our bus comes into view. I always sit upstairs. I think public transport in Edinburgh is terrific. If I were to be run over by a bus, I would go for the 26, shortly followed by the 44.

When out walking, I no longer take corners so sharply. This is age-related understeer or ARU; overcompensation may lead to the complementary phenomenon of ARO. 

We might feel ever more threatened by the world, given the terrible state it’s in, but the likely source of our demise lies, as always, within. I’m starting to collect age-related afflictions that begin with the same letter (take your pick on that one); as yet, none starts with a capital (those named after someone clever).

I like what Fiona Bruce was wearing on the Antiques Roadshow last week. This alone should set alarm bells ringing.

Holes have appeared in my music where the bass used to be.

I need less sleep. I set the washing to finish in eight hours and wake up before it has even started.

In Barcelona, a young lady offered me her seat on the tube. I felt obliged to accept. The rest of the family giggled and snorted until we got off.

My long-term memory remains good; the problem is trying to get anything into it in the first place. Order of Mass took two years; any variation and I’m done for.

Ultimately, we are fortunate to be old, to have made it this far. My past self tells me so. The outlook improves further if we broaden the timescale to account God’s gift of eternal life. Eternity is a great leveller. No inclines to tackle. The mountains weathered to dust.

Colin Davey